


All the Things I Didn't Say

by sophoklesworld



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, POV Castiel (Supernatural), POV First Person, Pre-Slash, Retrospective, Spoilers, Spoilers for Episode: s15e18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:14:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28151457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophoklesworld/pseuds/sophoklesworld
Summary: Let me tell you a story, Dean. Let me tell you why I said goodbye.*  *  *This can be read as a letter written to Dean (from the Cas in the Empty, if that even makes sense) or Cas trying to just retrospectively tell his POV of the love confession scene.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	All the Things I Didn't Say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [prismalicht](https://archiveofourown.org/users/prismalicht/gifts).



> I am having feels today, and was crying before I started writing this, and cried even more during. It was inspired by this video on [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMylJtgQiac), and my dear [friend](https://prismaco.tumblr.com/) to whom I have been rambling about the way Cas says "Because it is." and what it conveys, and also the way Dean suffers when they're burning Cas' body.
> 
> And yeah apparently I'm still not over it. (And I haven't even watched the last few seasons).
> 
> **This is in written in First Person** and I admittedly hate myself for it but it just felt right.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it and if you actually cry over this, feel free to tell me because that would be an honor lol. Plus, I'd know I wouldn't be alone in this bittersweet 2014-flashback.
> 
> (@Prismalicht, I hope you're happy now. You better be suffering with me.)

Let me tell you a story, Dean. Let me tell you why I said goodbye.

* * *

"Because it is."

All the words I couldn’t say, but wish you heard anyway. In those three words and in the following three.  
And I knew. I knew you thought 'don’t go where I can’t follow'. You always did. I saw it in your eyes, the slight shake of your head. So, I hoped. I hoped you would know all the things I couldn’t say.

Because yes, this was a goodbye. It was a goodbye, but it was okay. It was okay. I hoped — I still hope — the words I said aloud carried enough weight for you to not beat yourself up over this. It wasn’t your fault. It was my decision. And it was okay. Because rescuing Dean Winchester has been the only thing worth dying for since I first put you together again in Hell.  
It was okay, because this was the only way I would ever want to go. It was worth it. Will always be worth it. Because it’s you.   
And I chose this. The way I chose you. I chose this so you could live. Because it’s always been you. It always will be.

It was a goodbye. And I know you hate goodbyes. But at least, this time around, I got to say what needed to be said. It was a goodbye, but at least we did get the _chance to say goodbye_ , for once.

It was a goodbye and I hoped you would understand that it was okay. Okay to let me go. I would rather sacrifice myself for you than live eternity without you.

So yes, this was a goodbye. But it was a damn good one. Because I got to say

"I love you."

I knew you didn’t love me the same way, even though part of me hoped you would get there, eventually. I knew you weren’t ready to work through your feelings. I knew you would need a lot more time, to ever get to 'eventually'. And I’m sorry. Im sorry we didn’t have more time. Enough time. I’m incredibly sorry you never got the chance while I was there. I am sorry to have taken this away from you. But I got to say this. For a second, everything was alright.  
I knew what I was getting into, saying this. And I’m sorry for what it cost you. But don’t ever think I wouldn’t do the same thing again, if it meant saving you. I was told time and again that you were my weakness. Maybe, the way the need to rescue you ingrained itself into my very being. Maybe that was a weakness — but it was the Winchester way, the way of the family you invited me into. And I don’t see that as a weakness. It was a gift. And caring about you? That was and will forever be my strongest feat. I care because you do. I have lived for millennia. And only for those last twelve years, i learned to cherish every single moment. Every single moment with you. I never cared for the ones alone. They said too much heart was always my problem. But I disagree. Because I was touched by the biggest heart, the purest love, the most radiant soul. I got _lucky_. I got to learn how beautiful having a heart can be. And I am forever grateful.  
So yes, I love you. And I hope that you told everyone who told you you weren’t worth it to 'stick it up their ass'. I hope you yourself would someday understand that you. are. worthy. You’re worthy of happiness. You’re worthy of being treated right. You’re worthy to live your life to the fullest. You’re worthy to be loved. You’re worthy of my love. 

  
"Don’t do this, Cas."

You already knew I had to. You already knew it was too late. I already spoke the words. You didn’t want me to leave. I understood that. But sometimes you have to say goodbye. At my words, your soul dimmed and burned brighter all the same. It dimmed, like you were sad and angry to let me go, and it burned brighter, like my words cradled your soul and blanketed it in comfort. Like my love for you was all you ever needed for your own happiness. At least that’s what I told myself. I saw the fight drain from you and I hated it. But I was glad for it, too. Because it meant you would let me go. It meant I could save you. For once I could save you, and hopefully keep you safe forever. Because you deserved so much better. You deserved everything. 

  
"Cas."

I always loved the way you said my name. The first time you used this abbreviation of my name, I was confused. But even then I got a kick out of it, as you would say. I may not have allowed to let myself dwell on it, but even then I vowed to make you say it again. Vowed to be worthy of you calling me 'Cas'. I hope I was worthy in the end. It felt like I was. This would be the last time you called me Cas. I knew that and I cherished it. The word wrapped around me, like a comforting blanket. It sounded like an admission to something I never dared hope for. It felt like love. It felt like I could come back to you. It felt like I could come home.

Your mother told you, once, that angels were watching over you. And I told you, I wasn’t here to perch on your shoulder, when of course I was. And I wanted to, even when I couldn’t. I wish I could perch on your shoulder for a lot longer than I have. I wish the world were less cruel and you got to settle. I wish I’d have a place in your life for longer.

But this was a goodbye, and to hear my name on your lips would have to be enough. And it was. It was enough. Because your love is all encompassing. And my name on your loving lips was worth everything. 

  
"Goodbye, Dean."


End file.
